Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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