Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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