If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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