I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
