ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
