Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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