I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
