you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
it's like heaven, but drunker
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
