The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
