He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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