nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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