shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize