ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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