Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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