Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
