just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
