btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
