while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
