dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
