i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
