You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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