I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
