he thought i was a dude.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
