all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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