we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I need to calm my uterus...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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