I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
