She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
