Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
