I skipped work to stalk him.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
