The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
