I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
