i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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