When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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