This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
