I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
