are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
