Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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