i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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