i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
