I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Farmville is her only friend.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
