the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
