But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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