do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
