please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
