In the future we'll all be gay
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
