I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize