i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
