My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
