nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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