a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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