You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize