She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize