Will you blow on my dice?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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