if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
