Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
