You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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