if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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