I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
