It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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