I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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