Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
