you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize