why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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