OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
