I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
