i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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