I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
